2023: The year of being vulnerable

Happy New Year!

And hi reader,

If you’re reading this, then you’re one of the few people that actually do care what I have to write on this blog.

For the longest time, I’ve always wanted to be a writer.

but I didn’t know if I wanted to be a journalist,

or a best selling author of a fictional book,

or a script writer for TV and movies.

But the only thing I knew that I was good at writing about are the thoughts and feelings that I was experiencing in the intense moments of my life.

Blogging felt so natural to me.

Unfortunately, I wasn’t consistent or I kept jumping from one platform to another.

After many many many years of writing everywhere on the internet, it’s time to finally settle all of these posts into my own personal website.

Right here on jemellee.com.

As for my first post, I want to bring up why I’m doing this now in 2023.

Growing up, when I did write and speak what’s on my mind or sharing my life through vlogging on the internet, I unfortunately faced some consequences.

Things that no person should ever experience, but it’s what held me back to share any of my thoughts without feeling exposed.

In high school, I got bullied because I simply wrote that I didn’t like one girl in my grade.

I wrote that she was a bitch.

Classmates found out, and I was harassed every other day. No one had my back. Friends were passive. Guidance counselor didn’t really help at all either.

I was never the type to be confrontational, so I didn’t know how to fight back. So I just took and held it in.

Eventually, they stopped, but it was one of those times where I felt so alone. I had no one to turn to nor had someone to defend me.

I just played my sports and never wrote again.

I’m still working on how to defend myself and learning how to do things on my own and stop relying on others to help me.

Around college, it was the beginning years of YouTube.

The golden age of YouTube.

And I wanted to share videos like my favorite YouTubers such as KevJumba, HappySlip, and Wong Fu Productions.

But then after a couple of uploads, I somehow got hacked.

And this hacker threatened to expose me.

I was extremely embarrassed and I stopped uploading videos for the longest time.

It showed me that no one could be trusted.

And people will say things to control you and make you feel small.

When I finally did get back into creating, I was always cautious about what I had to say. I kept separate accounts so whenever I did need to rant or share things about my life, I wanted to feel safe from public humiliation or targeted harassment.

However, now looking back...

I believe that these were definitely lessons that I had to learn.

The internet has changed so much over the years and I learned how to protect myself but also learned how to articulate the best words to describe my opinion without having to completely deal with harsh consequences.

One of my favorite YouTubers that I follow right now is Cathrin Manning. And each year, she has a word of the year to allow herself to follow through and grow as a person.

For me, I think I finally found my word to work on myself for 2023.

Vulnerable.

I want to be vulnerable again. Not just on the internet, but with friends, relationships, and of course, with myself.

These last few months, I’ve discovered that I’ve been a people pleaser my entire life.

Always making sure other people feel safe.

But never making sure that *I* was safe.

I would put people’s happiness over mine.

Which is why I was naturally good at working in Customer Service or Community Management, because it’s always about the people, not about me.

And after going through a real shitty year in 2022, I want to change that.

I want to stop caring about what people think about me.

I want to be more vocal about the things that I care about.

I don’t want to be scared about the consequences anymore

Because I am stronger now.

I can handle any problem or issue better than I did when I was in high school or college.

No more hiding any parts or sides of me just because I’ll be judged for it.

We’ll be seeing a different type of Jemellee this year.

So cheers for 2023 and to being vulnerable in the upcoming year.

I hope you’ll stick around and follow my journey as I navigate through all this.

-Jemellee