Rekindled Love: journaling

As you all know, I’m currently on this healing journey after my horrible year.

And part of healing is learning how to love yourself again, which is something that I never really understood until it hit me last year.

I created a YouTube Short that mentioned how my rewatch of Crazy Ex Girlfriend made me realize this. Basically, I was unsatisfied with the finale the first time around, but then with my 2nd time watching it, I knew it was a message for me:

No person can fill my cup except for me.

While I was unpacking the last box of my clothes the other day, random thoughts were swirling around my head.

What should I do next? Should I unpack more? Should I look more into my car errands? Oh, but when will I start having fun again? Writing? Climbing? SKATING?!

And that’s when I decided I should start a new blog series called, rekindled love. Talking about the things that I forgot that I loved doing when I was growing up. Rediscovering my old hobbies that still make me happy.

And what better topic to kick this series off is journaling.

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I’ve always liked to write. I don’t recall exactly the moment when I started journaling, but I do remember my first diary was this little red Lady and the Tramp one. It even had a lock on it because ohh, what secrets does a 5 year old have? lol

Unfortunately, I believe I was really embarrassed by it one year when I found it as a teen, so I ripped out all of my entries. Dammit, Jem!

Sadly, I don’t have a lot of my first memories in there. But don't worry, I have plenty more to sift through.

As I'm getting older, I'm realizing how important it is to journal or take photos or video of everything that I'm doing because my memory is starting to get hazy. I hate that I have to admit that, but at least I'm not too late to start recovering these memories and preserve them as much as possible.

Also, GG on past Jem for throwing all of these journals in this one box. Some of them are empty, but some of these notebooks are pretty filled up from beginning to end.

I’ve tried digital journals too, but there’s just something different about having a physical journal. It’s quite magical seeing your own handwriting, reading the words in your young self’s voice, and perhaps transporting yourself to a time when you do remember writing that entry.

Going back to journaling is probably one of the best decisions I've made recently. It truly is helpful to process your thoughts on pen and paper. Also, it forces me to slow down when I’m writing down my thoughts. My fingers are pretty quick on the keyboard, and you can easily edit as you go on the computer.

However, I tend to make a lot of mistakes when I’m handwriting too. Like misspelling a word, and then I have to cross it out with the correct one.

There’s something authentic seeing your little mistakes on paper. It feels human. It feels real.

My current journal that I’m writing in is already falling apart but I started writing in it back in the summer of 2021. My first entry is nothing that I haven’t mentioned before, but it’s interesting to see that this was all happening during this time.

When I decided to try again with this blog, I still had no idea what I wanted out of it. I previously had it as a portfolio website. And then I tried to make it as my freelance website, but it just didn't feel right to me back then. So I shut it down but kept the domain.

I just knew that I wanted to write about my thoughts and then post it on the internet. Hoping maybe someone that reads it will understand a little more about me or even can relate to the things that I'm going through.

I had my fears of being vulnerable and sharing details about my life again because I had a traumatic experience. But I'm learning from my mistakes and I want to say that I am now more experienced this time around after growing up and learning the ins-and-outs of social media.

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“If you wanna grow fast on the internet, you gotta niche down” -says every Marketing/TikTok/YouTube expert on how to grow

Niche niche NICHE NiChE - this word haunts me ever since I started live streaming on Twitch.

For me, it’s so hard to stick to one topic. And annoyingly, it is the truth.

But it’s not my truth.

And once I realized that I don't want to put myself into a box, rebranding my website and YouTube channel to “jemellee’s journal” was the right move.

It just suits me so much better. Plus alliteration is awesome ;)

I literally would get bored so easily if I stuck to one topic. If were to start talking about a new topic, I would start everything again from scratch.

But luckily, I know myself too well now and giving myself more grace that it's ok to be all over the place. I'll grow a little slower than most people and accept that this is the unfortunate curse of having ADHD, we’re constantly hobby jumping.

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So allowing myself to have the freedom to talk about whatever I want on this damn website, gives me such a peace of mind because I can still find a way to “niche” it down to my main topics of ADHD and self love.

No matter what stage I am in life, journaling will be one of my first loves. Even though it's been sporadic, and my thoughts are in different corners of the internet like Xanga or Tumblr. Writing down my thoughts will always be the thing that will allow me to express myself and makes me feel like me.

The only new thing with journaling for me are prompts.

I do remember writing a few creative ones on Tumblr, but I never published them. I kept them in drafts and can confirm that they're still there the last time I logged in.

But I never really used prompts before when I journaled. However, I do like that it taps into topics I never thought I should mention in my notebook.

I've started using prompts because I recently joined a journaling club called the JoClub. I discovered and fell in love with this influencer, Jo Franco, days before I had to move.

After following her YouTube & Instagram, she had just opened up her club for new members. So I think it was serendipitous for me to join especially in this point of my life.

(If you want to join the JoClub with me, click this link to get 15% off!)

I used to be afraid to say what's on my mind because of how sensitive I am to criticism or because of the trauma I experienced such as my mom reading my journal thus breaking my trust with her forever, or when I got bullied back in high school after a post I wrote on Xanga.

However, I’m tired of being embarrassed. Tired of being scared of what my family or IRL friends think of me when I share these thoughts if they see this.

But remember, I'm trying to be more vulnerable this year. Be more authentic to myself. And that’s what matters the most, right?

I won’t stop writing, and I’ll keep doing it until I can no longer do so.

And as always, thank you for supporting and continuing to read my thoughts here on this site.💖

-Jemellee

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I appreciate the love and I'll see you around 🥰